Okay so I’m still not over the fact how fast January has gone like this has got to be some sort of record or something?!
Anyway it’s safe to say that a year ago today my life was an absolute mess, and I wish I was joking. I’ve been looking through old diaries and photos and it’s crazy to think this time last year I didn’t have a home!!! Well I did but it wasn’t with either of my parents. It’s also crazy to see how much my friendships and family life has changed and how people who I thought would be in my life forever are just a distant thought and are almost complete strangers by now. Through this last year I’ve been through so much, (JUST TO CLARIFY, this is not a call for pity or attention), but I finally think I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not saying that everything is great and that I’m completely stable and my normal self because that is very far from the truth, yet I feel that maybe things are improving and that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to get through this.
I think a big thing that people don’t understand about mental health is how much you can loose and forget who you really are. Although so many of us are great at putting on a front it does not help situations. You loose yourself; your confidence, your happiness, your life, you lose everything to this disease. This illness that possesses your body into thinking you’re worthless, that you’re nothing and that no one cares about you. No one will ever get completely what this feels like until you yourself go through it, but what people do need to get is that the way we feel is not our fault. Mental health is an illness, that enters every single part of your body, running from head to toe, pointing out every imperfection, and putting you down in every single way possible, many people become very ill from this. The thoughts become so powerful they control our body and everything you do and there is no way to escape, there’s no easy ticket or quick fix it’s something we have to fight through, and the only person who can really help is you is yourself. If you yourself are not ready to get better, there is no chance of you to recover. For a long time I had been too stubborn, and refused to help myself get better, I wouldn’t talk to anyone, I wouldn’t let anyone in and I was scared that if I got better everyone would just drop me and leave.
It’s crazy how much time can change situations, I’m not trying to sound like the worlds most cliche therapist but it’s true, time is a healer. I really am a strong believer of everything happens for a reason I don’t think I would be where I am now or as strong as I am now, if I hadn’t of gone through what I did. As I said already I am not better or back to my “normal” self, maybe I never will be but for right now I really do think I’ve made progress, and that although I still feel sad, and I still have panic attacks, and I still suffer from this depression, it no longer controls me. I am not a slave to it and it can’t stop me from achieving what I want to achieve or get to where I want to get to.
Mental health should not run your life. It’s so easy to say that, but allowing the illness to take over your life ruins you, you get into positions you have never dreamt of. From crying yourself to sleep at night, using drugs or alcohol to escape the world or even contemplating suicide, mental health ruins you. However, many people still think that suffering from this kind of illness is “cool” which is a real trigger for me. Mental health is not cool. It’s draining both mentally and physically, it’s more than draining it’s f**king exhausting! It’s not something you want to suffer from, honestly I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.
Anyways I’m trying my absolute best to get “better”, mental health is not something you can ever escape but it’s something you can control and keep under control. I am trying my best to get to a point where I won’t need as much help as I currently receive, this means actually talking to people which is still something I struggle with but we’ll get there eventually, I’m sure.
Also I just wanted to say that although I tend to keep to myself a lot more these days I am grateful for all the people who have been in and out my life over the last few years, you’ve taught me a lot about myself and people in general, so thank you.
Anyways I feel like this might be a bit boring and a bit long for some people and you probably won’t even read it all, but if you have thank you :).
Also how scary is it that GCSE’s are actually real and are happening in like less than 5 months!!!! I still haven’t started revising or anything so that definitely needs to start soon, anyways hope everyone is all okay, thank you for reading.