Late night thoughts…

Okay so I’m still not over the fact how fast January has gone like this has got to be some sort of record or something?!

Anyway it’s safe to say that a year ago today my life was an absolute mess, and I wish I was joking. I’ve been looking through old diaries and photos and it’s crazy to think this time last year I didn’t have a home!!! Well I did but it wasn’t with either of my parents. It’s also crazy to see how much my friendships and family life has changed and how people who I thought would be in my life forever are just a distant thought and are almost complete strangers by now. Through this last year I’ve been through so much, (JUST TO CLARIFY, this is not a call for pity or attention), but I finally think I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not saying that everything is great and that I’m completely stable and my normal self because that is very far from the truth, yet I feel that maybe things are improving and that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to get through this.

I think a big thing that people don’t understand about mental health is how much you can loose and forget who you really are. Although so many of us are great at putting on a front it does not help situations. You loose yourself; your confidence, your happiness, your life, you lose everything to this disease. This illness that possesses your body into thinking you’re worthless, that you’re nothing and that no one cares about you. No one will ever get completely what this feels like until you yourself go through it, but what people do need to get is that the way we feel is not our fault. Mental health is an illness, that enters every single part of your body, running from head to toe, pointing out every imperfection, and putting you down in every single way possible, many people become very ill from this. The thoughts become so powerful they control our body and everything you do and there is no way to escape, there’s no easy ticket or quick fix it’s something we have to fight through, and the only person who can really help is you is yourself. If you yourself are not ready to get better, there is no chance of you to recover. For a long time I had been too stubborn, and refused to help myself get better, I wouldn’t talk to anyone, I wouldn’t let anyone in and I was scared that if I got better everyone would just drop me and leave.

It’s crazy how much time can change situations, I’m not trying to sound like the worlds most cliche therapist but it’s true, time is a healer. I really am a strong believer of everything happens for a reason I don’t think I would be where I am now or as strong as I am now, if I hadn’t of gone through what I did. As I said already I am not better or back to my “normal” self, maybe I never will be but for right now I really do think I’ve made progress, and that although I still feel sad, and I still have panic attacks, and I still suffer from this depression, it no longer controls me. I am not a slave to it and it can’t stop me from achieving what I want to achieve or get to where I want to get to.

Mental health should not run your life. It’s so easy to say that, but allowing the illness to take over your life ruins you, you get into positions you have never dreamt of. From crying yourself to sleep at night, using drugs or alcohol to escape the world or even contemplating suicide, mental health ruins you. However, many people still think that suffering from this kind of illness is “cool” which is a real trigger for me. Mental health is not cool. It’s draining both mentally and physically, it’s more than draining it’s f**king exhausting! It’s not something you want to suffer from, honestly I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.

Anyways I’m trying my absolute best to get “better”, mental health is not something you can ever escape but it’s something you can control and keep under control. I am trying my best to get to a point where I won’t need as much help as I currently receive, this means actually talking to people which is still something I struggle with but we’ll get there eventually, I’m sure.

Also I just wanted to say that although I tend to keep to myself a lot more these days I am grateful for all the people who have been in and out my life over the last few years, you’ve taught me a lot about myself and people in general, so thank you.

Anyways I feel like this might be a bit boring and a bit long for some people and you probably won’t even read it all, but if you have thank you :).

Also how scary is it that GCSE’s are actually real and are happening in like less than 5 months!!!! I still haven’t started revising or anything so that definitely needs to start soon, anyways hope everyone is all okay, thank you for reading.

xoxo

Happy New Year!

Its officially 2019. Just because its a new year doesn’t mean its a new me :). I’m gonna be the same as I’ve always been but I mean i might try to be a bit more positive and try talk to new people, other than that same old moody Mia :).

Lets hope that this year is a lot better than last year! Its the last year of secondary school ( THANK GOD), starting college this year, I’m getting a lot more support from new people. So far this year is looking better than last year… fingers crossed.

New Year Resolution’s:

  1. Focus on myself and help myself more, stop doing everything for other people if they wont do anything for me.
  2. SAVE MONEY!!!!
  3. To start running again

And of course the same resolution I have every year…

4. To eat healthy/healthier ๐Ÿ™‚

I can’t believe that its actually the last year of secondary school its been a very very very long 5 years. Even though I’m barely ever there, I can not wait for it all to be done with and to start college where I’ll be doing something I actually enjoy :).

GCSE’s are almost here and I still don’t know anything if i actually pass them i will be so happy.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas and got everything they wanted. I hope 2019 is a blessed year for everyone and that you’re happy and healthy. Put your mental and physical health first and think how what you do will affect you long term.

I have like nothing to talk about my mind is blank at the moment but I’m going to try and post more on here, I say this all the time but I’m actually going to try this time :).

But anyways I hope 2019 is a good year for everyone ๐Ÿ™‚ sending love to everyone!

xoxo

 

STRESS STRESS and MORE STRESS!

This last year has been absolutely awful i have been through so many ups and downs, i just want to make one thing clear, I’m not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for me or anything like that, i am just ranting…

Anyways this last year has been crap. Today especially has been particularly hard, not only was it the beginning of mocks :/ its been a year since a lot of my problems started to be noticed, but I’m not gonna go into detail there.

So today, beginning of mocks always gonna be stressful, even more stressful when you’ve missed a million and one lessons and haven’t caught up on anything. Which is my fault but revision is honestly so hard like it gets to a point where I just copy a textbook word for word put it in a folder and never look at it… but still call that revising.ย  So today i had maths and RS i knew maths would be hard but I really didn’t think that RS would be as hard as it was. I started talking about the KKK and wars between historical monarchs, petty sure that had nothing to do with how religion affects the environment… but you know as everyone keeps telling me ‘they’re only mocks’. STRESS

Next Wednesday I have an interview at Hadlow! I’m excited but also wetting myself I have no idea how to prepare, like what are they going to ask me? What if i say the wrong thing? What if they think that I can’t do what they want? What if I’m not good enough for the course? And a million more questions zooming around my head. STRESS

So tomorrow I have my English Language mock, I think. How do you even revise/ prepare for that? Like there just isn’t anything to do… is there? If there is please help me because I wanna have some sort of idea of what to do!

Under one month until Christmas, how exciting! But my dad still wont/ hasn’t bought a Christmas tree, I am not impressed. How can you celebrate Christmas WITHOUT A TREE?!?!? I also have no idea what I’m doing for Christmas this year, last year I wasn’t at home for Christmas and this year will be the first Christmas with just me and my dad we might be going to my Nan and Granddad’s but no clue yet. Also me and the father have decided to leave Christmas shopping for the family to last minute and so we have to go at peak time DECEMBER because that’s the only time my dad is free. I like shopping but i do NOT enjoy shopping centres during end of November – January its just tooooo busy. Alas we have to do what we have to do….

Recently I have been quite down and low and whatever, not been feeling to positive about anything, sort of been quite lonely and what not BUT I have been trying my best to stay okay and look at things in a ‘positive light’. I’ve found that working on the farm has really been helping me as I always look forward to seeing all the animals and all the lovely people there who are so supportive. It also gives me a reason to get out of bed, especially on the weekends, every weekend without fail I go to the farm…wish i could say the same about school .__.

But yeah, don’t really have much else to add, hope everyone is doing okay anyways ๐Ÿ™‚

xoxo

I’m Procrastinating :)

Long time no see, again I’ve been really busy but also really lazy so that’s why i haven’t posted for ages. But yeah were in the second half of term for year 11 and i have concluded that i am definitely going to fail ALL my GCSE’s… I’m supposed to be revising now but why would i do that if i could procrastinate and talk about my boring life on here!?

So, life update, um, basically I’m a complete mess at the moment so, you know, nothing new there… MY LIFE IS A MESS :). I honestly don’t think you wanna hear every detail about everything that has gone wrong but i mean a lot has, but lets focus on the small positives that have been happening. I have applied for colleges SCARY! I don’t feel old enough to be going to college I still look and act 5…ย  I applied for Hadlow and am going to apply for Capel Manor as well, where i would study animal management. I mean other than that nothing else that great has happened.

I have no social life anymore to be honest, but that’s okay, more time to watch Netflix and hibernate ๐Ÿ™‚ when I’m not working, revising or at school. I have also already started making new year resolutions, I know its only November but i want 2019 to be a good year and not as terrible as the last few have been.

So my current New Year Resolutions are:

  1. Work on saving money!
  2. Make new friends and meet new people ๐Ÿ™‚
  3. Try and focus on positives

These are the few I have for now but by New Year the list will probably 10 times bigger, BUT knowing me they will last all of 1 maybe 2 months at a push… but a girl can try ๐Ÿ™‚

One more thing, it would be really great if you could sign this petition https://act.youngminds.org.uk/join-our-fight-new-era-young-peoples-mental-health it is to help get better funding to children and adolescent mental health services. There are so many young people and families suffering due to mental health problems but hopefully we can change that!! Please read and support this petition so that there is a chance of a better mental health system for teens and children, and so that there is more help available to those who really need it!

I really don’t have much else to say… I don’t want to expose myself and reveal all the disasters that have been happening because no one wants to hear about that…

But yeah other than that nothing much else to say…

xoxo

why are we here…

Have you ever sat back and looked at the world around you? Wondered why we’re here or questioned what difference we have or will make?

What if there isn’t even a reason…

So many people live their life on repeat. They walk up at the same time, go to work/school, come home, and go to bed. Maybe not quite that boring, but along those lines. Everyone gets so stuck to this endless cycle of doing the same thing everyday, and not trying anything new, and never really appreciating the whole world around them.

Being alive is supposed to be something to be grateful for, something to appreciate. If this is true then why are so many of us suffering day to day to stay alive? Why do so many of us not want to be here anymore? Why do so many of us stress about tiny details and imperfections, that won’t even effect us long term?

I can’t answer these questions, and I’m not sure if anyone can, but I can’t help but wonder…..

We need to learn to take each day as it comes and to appreciate the small things, the good things and the bad things. Everything happens for a reason, whether it’s good or bad.

We need to learn to accept imperfections of ourselves and those around us. Nobody is perfect. There are too many standards set for everyone that are pretty much impossible to reach.

We need to learn to love ourselves and treat ourselves with respect. Learn to love each imperfection so we can learn to accept other people imperfections. We need to learn to accept that we are NOT perfect and there are things we can’t do, and that’s okay because it’s something we learn to work on and get better at.

Maybe if everyone learnt to except and love themselves and all their imperfections; learnt to except the people around them, people would be a lot happier. They wouldn’t just be living a life of repeats. Instead of being stuck in the endless cycle of waking up and repeating the same old thing as you did the day before. Try and do something new, try and actually live.

xoxo

Suicide Prevention Day, 10/9/18

As I’m sure you’re aware, yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day. In my opinion, I don’t think that it should be only one day which we dedicate to suicide prevention, we should always check in on people to see if they’re doing okay. Suicide is a big deal and affects many more people than you may be aware.

Nevertheless, it is still an important day, as suicide effects so many of us. Suicide is closely linked with mental health and its very important that people are supported so they don’t have to feel like they have to take their own life.

Suicide isn’t a laughing matter, not something to joke about or make fun of. Suicide is serious.

Although as a society overall views on mental health may have changed, and there may be more help available, there is still a massive stigma against it. So many people are still unaware of what mental health issues look and feel like, and are unable to know if themselves or people around them are suffering.

Did you know that there are actually over 200 different types of mental illness? 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental health condition at some point in their life; yet nobody pays attention to it until they are going through it. This means that almost every household has a link to mental illness but society still chooses to turn a blind eye to it.

Mental illness can be to different extremes but all still deserve the right attention whether that means therapy, counselling, or medication.

There was a study which showed that if a boy and a girl both went to the doctors about feeling depressed, the girl is more likely to be prescribed an antidepressant, than the boy. This is because women are more likely to labelled as ‘mad’. Many people used to, and still do believe that gender is the cause of loads of mental health conditions. This is not fair on anyone, as we’re all just as likely to suffer from mental illness.

In 2017, 5,821 suicides were recorded in Great Britain alone, 75% were male and 25% were female. Men are more likely to plan and succeed in a suicide attempt than women, this often due to the fact that men are supposed to be seen as ‘strong’ and to keep their problems to themselves. This then leads to spiralling thoughts which become uncontrollable…

Male or female, your health, physical and mental is important. You shouldn’t avoid asking for help because of a stereotype.

If you’re are feeling, suicidal you should try and get help. That is very easy for anyone to say, and often in the moment, very hard to actually do. However, no one should have to feel so bad to result in taking their life.

Be aware of people around you, support them, ask if they’re okay. You never know what is going on in someone else’s life.

Just wanted to spread a bit more awareness about mental health and suicide prevention day.

xoxo

 

Update.

*Okay so i haven’t written on here for ages. I have had a lot going on, but i am going to try my best to try and write on here at least once a week and actually get somewhere with this blog.*

SO, it’s September 1st! only 4 months left of 2018, where has the time gone? Summer is nearly over and i’m supposed to be going back to school, in just 2 days. I say supposed to be, because i never really go to school…. i try my best to avoid it at all costs. whether its showing up late or saying i’m ill, leaving early, or getting out of lessons. I am going into year 11, which means GCSE’s, which means STRESS on top of STRESS on tops of EVEN MORE STRESS!!! Most of my year 10 was spent in hospital. If i wasn’t in hospital i was avoiding school in another way. I’m pretty sure i managed to be late every day that i did go in, and the days i didn’t, i would lay in bed all day feeling sorry for myself. So overall a very productive year… i hope you can tell that’s sarcasm! So i’m hoping this year could be a little better, so i can get at least one GCSE.

My summer this year wasย  ย  ย different. i mean that’s one way to describe it i guess. The first two weeks i still a patient at hospital so if i wasn’t there i was in bed watching films with my cat. By patient i mean day patient, which means i go up if i have appointments or if i don’t feel safe at home, sort of a gradual discharge. On the 10th of August i was fully discharged! But was still required to have help within the community, which i continue to have every week. On the 16th of august was my 15th birthday. I went out with a few people and had a little drink up in a park… because you know, i’m classy like that! ๐Ÿ˜‰ The next day i went to Thorpe Park, WHILST HUNG OVER! i went with a group of friends as a birthday present from them. all in all it was a nice day, i mean we got on each others nerves a bit, because we all had next to no sleep and spent over 12 hours together, its bound to happen. The rest of summer was pretty much going to the park or having people round mine, now that may seem boring, but that is because i’m sparing you the details of what we got up to each day. Over this summer i feel like i have got closer to new and different people and i am grateful for who i have around me. Although i may have drifted or fallen out with some people i believe everything happens for a reason, we may not what that reason is now but i think it will be revealed at some point.

At the beginning of this week i spent some time with my sister, and we went out to London for my birthday. Then later on that day i went a party… which may i say did not end how i had planned. Long story short, for whatever reason, i decided that it was a good idea to get absolutely SMASHED and embarrass myself in front of everyone. literally everyone, even my dad saw me in a state! As i was saying, twas not a good idea, lets just say i will be avoiding vodka for a little while. But from what i remember it was an okay-ish night, i think!

I have noticed somethings about myself this summer, and i feel like i owe a lot of people an apology for the way i behave. I act in the moment. I can’t think ahead or see how what i do now, will affect me in future. whether that means the next day or 10 years down the line. I tend to be very impulsive with my choices and never really know how i feel about those choices. For example, i can get very angry very quickly, or worry too much about things that i shouldn’t really worry about, or upset that i am hurting peoples feelings, or everything at the same time because i really just want to be a nice person. as much as i may say “I DON’T CARE” orย “IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME” the reality is, i really DO care and it really DOES bother me. I like to pretend i’m this strong person that can fight off anything you put in my way, but in reality i can’t. I feel like after me saying all of this I’ve made myself weak, but i shouldn’t see it as a weakness it should be a strength, that i care about those who are around me. But i also need to care about myself….

what i do know is, i always try my best to please others, i don’t like letting people down or hurting their feelings because i don’t want to be seen as a horrible person. but sometimes when doing this i end up hurting the person and myself instead. I don’t understand my own feelings so i find it hard to understand other people’s. But it is something i’m working on and trying to get better at it. But i need to focus on myself a bit more first.

So if i have upset you or hurt you in anyway, EVER, i am so incredibly sorry, but it was never my intention, i was just trying my best to do what i thought was right in the moment. And that is not an excuse, at all. but its me showing that i am going to try my best to get better at understanding how my actions affect both myself and others around me, in that moment and in the future.

Also, i have recently started a volunteering job at Caple Manor Farm. I’ve only been there for two weeks and i already love it. I enjoy spending time with all the different animals and helping to look after them all, it really helps to lift my mood.

All in all this is just an update on how life has been going… and what i’ve been up to. Hope you enjoy!

xoxo